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AMES' SERIES OF 

STANDARD AND MINOR DRAMA, 

No. 258. 

— ^^ — 

PROF. BONES' 

LATEST INVENTION 



( FARCE. ) 



WITH OAST OP CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES, AX» EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS OF 

THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, DESCRIPTION OP COSTUMES AND 

THK WHOLE OP THE STAGE RUSINi i.l.Y 

MARKED FROM THE MOST APPROVED 

ACTING COPY. 



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23 



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^~ ALPHABETICAL LIST DP "^ 

ilmEs' Etiitian nf Plays. 



-x52^- 



FIFTEEN CENTS EACH UNLESS OTHERWISE MARKED. 



2 

164 
39 
43 

100 

125 
89 
113 
226 
14 
160 
161 
60 
152 
173 
143 
176 
162 
117 
207 
52 
76 
141 
26 
191 
194 



46 

227 

211 

1(33 

91 

36 

34 

229 

2-2-', 

81 

85 

8:j 

196 

29 

18 

10 

45 

79 

144 



119 

92 
112 

71 
105 
7 
201 
193 
200 
121 



DRAMAS. 

A Desperate Game 3 

After Ten Years 7 

A Life's Revenge 7 

Arrah de Baugh 7 

Aurora Floyd 7 

Auld Robin Gray 25c 13 

Beauty of Lyons 11 

Bill Detriek 7 

Brae, the Poor House Girl.... 4 

Brigands of Calabria 6 

Conn; or, Love's Victory fl 

Dora 5 

Driven to the Wall 10 

Driven from Home 7 

East Lynne 8 

Emigrant's Daughter 8 

Factory Girl 6 

Fielding Manor 9 

Hal Hazard, 25c 10 

Heroic Dutchman of '76 8 

Henry Grandea 11 

How He Did It 3 

Hidden Treasures 4 

Hunter of the Alps 9 

Hidden Hand 15 

Lights and Shadows of the 

Great Rebellion, 25c 10 

Lady of Lyons 12 

Lady Aiulley's Secret 6 

M;m and Wife 12 

Maud's Peril 5 

Midnight Mistake 6 

Minam's Crime 5 

Michael Erie 8 

Miller of Derwent Water 5 

Mistletoe Bough 7 

Mountebanks (The) 6 

Old Honesty 5 

Old Phil's Birthday 5 

Outcast's Wife 12 

Out on the World 5 

Oath Bound 6 

Paiuter of Oheut 5 

Poacher's Doom 8 

Reverses U 

Rock Allen 5 

Spy of Atlanta, 25c 11 

Thckla 9 

The False Friend 6 

The Filial Blow 7 

The Forty-Niners 10 

Ihe Gentleman in Black 9» 

The New Magdalen 8 

The Reward of Crime 5 

Through Snow and Sunshine 6 

The VuW of the Ornani 7 

Ticket of Leave Man 9 

Toodles 7 

Uncle Tom's Cabin 15 

Will-o'-the-VVh»p 9 



NO. 

41 

192 



rK 



Won at Last .. 7 

Zion 7 

TEMPERANCE PLAYS. 

At Last 7 

Adrift 5 

Aunt Dinah's Pledge 6 

Drunkard [The] 13 

Drunkar 's Warning 6 

Drunkard's Doom 15 

Fifteen Years of a Drunk- 
ard's Life 13 

Fruits of the Wine Cup 6 

Lost 6 

Our Awful Aunt 1 4 

Out in the Streets 6 

Rescued 5 

Saved 2 

Turn of the Tide 7 

Three Glasses a Day 4 

Ten Nights in a Bar-Room... 7 
Wrecked „ 9 

COMEEIES. 

A Pleasure Trip 7 

A Legal Holiday 5 

An Afflicted Family 7 

Caste 5 

Home 4 

Love's Labor Not Lost 3 

New Years in N. Y 7 

Not So Bad After All 6 

Not Such a Fool as He Looks 6 

Our Daughters 8 

Passions 8 

Rags and Bottles 4 

Solon Shingle 14 

The Biter Bit 3 

TRAGEDIES. 
The Serf 6 



73 

75 
187 
202 

189 
181 

183 
104 

146 

53 

51 

59 
102 

63 

62 

58 

168 
136 
124 
178 
199 
174 
149 

37 
237 
126 
114 
219 
221 

87 

16 
FARCES AND COMEDIETTAS. 

129 Aar-u-ag-oos 2 

132 Actor and Servant 1 

12 A Capital Match ...... 3 

166 A Texan Motber-in-Law 4 

30 A Day Well Spent 7 

169 A Regular Fix 2 

80 Alarmingly Suspicious 4 

78 An Awful Criminal 3 

ii Unwelcome Return 3 

31 A Pet of the Public 4 

21 A Romantic Attachment 3 

123 A 'I hril-ling Item 3 

20 A Ticket of Leave 3 

175 Betsey Baker 2 

8 Better Half 5 

86 Black vs. White 4 

22 CaptainSmith 3 

Jheek Afill Win 3 

22.) Cupi s Capers 4 

49 Der Two Surprises 1 



xfi 



J; 
I 



PROF. BONES' 

Latest Invention 

A FARCE, 

IN ONE ACT, 

/ 

BY J. C. COLBY. 



TO WHICH IS ADDED 

DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES-CAST OF THE CHARACTERS- 
ENTRANCES AND EXITS-RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE 
PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE 
OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 



if 



Dry 



Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1888, by 

AMES' PUBLISHING CO. 
in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, 



— —CLYDE, OHIO: — 

AMES' PUBLISHING CO. 



V 






PROF. BONES' LATEST INVENTION. 

Cast of characters as first produced at Union Grove, 
Wis., by the Mastodon Minstrel Combination. 

Peof. Bones, The inventor. 

Jeff, ) 

Ned, > Three troublesome darkies. 

Julius, ) 

Sam, . .Jeff's brother from N. Y. Central telephone station* 



COSTUMES. 

Bones. — Fashionable swell attire. 

Jeff, I Dressed alike; old dark pants, seer-sucker 

j ED '* ( coat and yest and old straw hats. 

Sam. — Dressed like the dummy. 



PROPERTIES. 

Organ, table, chair, telephone, flour, dummy dressed up 
with plug hat, rubber coat, dark pants; wire to run the 
dummy on; wheel to fasten on the dummy's head. 



Time of Performance — 20 minutes. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 
k7, means Right; l., Left; e. h., Right Hand; l. h„ Left Hand; c, Centre; s. e,; 
[2d E.,] Second Entrance; u. e„ Upper Entrance; m. d., Middle Door; p., the Flat 
• n. f., Door in Flat; k. c, Right of Centre; l. c, Left of Centre. 

p. E. C. C. *^L.C. L. 

i) 

. &** The reader js Supposed to_be upon the. stage facing the audien.ee. 



TMP92-008896 



Prof. Bones' Latest Invention. 



SCENE. — A drawing-room; organ, b., table, L., chair at 
table; telephone, B. 

Enter, Pbof. Bones, takes off hat and overcoat and lays 
them on table. 

Prof. Bones. "Well, here I am at last! My wife lias just 
gone off on a tour to Long Branch, and I propose to have 
a good jolly time to-night. I have invited some of the 
boys, my old chums that I knew before I was married, up 
here and won't we have a grand time? {laughs; holes at 
his watch) But they won't be here for half an hour, so 
I'll just amuse myself until they come. 

(goes to organ and plays 

Enter, Jeff, Ned and Julius, ivho begin to darxe, cutting 
up all sorts of antics; comic business of ivearing 
Bones' hat and coat and walking about, putting on 
airs. Meantime Bones looks around, sees them, 
is startled and surprised, and then makes a rush for 
his hat and coat and places them on table again. 

Bones. What are you fellows doing in my house any- 
way? Don't you know any better than to come right into 
a respectable man's house in this way? Say, what do you 
want here, you fellows? 

Ned. We jes' come in to heah de music. 
< Bones. Well, you can't hear the music, so just clear 
right out now. 

Jeff. We want to heah de musia j 



4 pkof. bones' latest invention. 

Bones. If you fellows don't get out now, I'll call the 
police! I expect a number of friends here to-night and I 
can't let them see you fellows here. {goes toward door 

Jeff, (stops him) We want to heah some mo' music. 

Julius. Play us one mo' piece. 

Ned. Say, play us one mo' piece an' den we'll git out 
ob dat ar' doah. 

Bones. I can't play any more! Well, say, if I play 
one more piece will you fellers go, sure pop? 

Jeff. Yes, sah, we will git right out. Go ahead and 
play. (Bones plays; Ned taps him on shoulder 

Ned. Say, can't yo' sing someting fo' us? 

Bones. No, sir. I can't sing anything. Come, i*ow> I 
want you to get out! 

Ned. Well, den yo' play an' we'll sing. 

Bones. What will I play? 

Ned. Well, play de "Golden Slippers." 

Julius. Yes, dats de piece! 

Jeff. Dats de one! 

Bones. I can't play the — what did you call it? 

Ned, Why, de "Golden Slippers." 

Bones. I never heard of the "Golden Slippers" before. 

(all laugh 

Ned. Nebber heard ob de "Golden Slipper!" Why, 
say, I got a brudder down at St. Louis dat can play de 
stuffm' right out ob dat ar' song. Nebber heard ob de 
"Golden Slippers !" Ho ! ho ! ho ! ( laughs 

Bones. What's that got to do about it? Your brother 
ain't here! 

Jeff, (quickly) I'll send fo' him! (to Ned) Say, 
shall I send fo' him? 

Ned. Yes, send fo' him! 

Jeff sits down to table, takes paper and pencil; begins to 

write. 

Jeff. Say, whar does yer brudder lib? 

Ned, Number fo' hundred, 22d street, New York City. 
Tell him to come down by the cars. 

Jeff. I'll send fo' him! 

Bones, (who has been contemplating the proceedings in 
a very sullen mood) Say, you fellows, are you bound to 
have your brother come? 



PROF. BONES' LATEST INVENTION. 5 

Ned. Yes, oh yes, sah! (to Jefe) Number fo' hun- 
dred, 22d street, New York City— got it down right? (to 
Bones) He's coming by the first train. 

Bones. Say, it will take your brother a week to come 
by the cars. * You can't stay here in my house a week. 
(aside) Just think of it! What would the boys say to 
see these tramps here? (aloud) Well, if you're bound 
to have your brother come, I've got a quicker method ot 
fetching him than by the cars. I've got a new invention! 
It is called "Prof. Bones' Latest Invention." I will have 
him come by my new patent telephone. 

Julius* A what phone? 

Bones. Telephone! I can get anybody from any part 
of the world here in ten minutes. 

Ned. (excited) Git him then, git him! 

Bones goes to telephone, rings hell Ring is answered. 

Bones. Hello, Central! 

Central Hello! 

Bones. Give me— (to Ned) where did you say your 
brother lived? ^ T __ 

Ned, Number fo' hundred, 22d street, New York City. 

Bones, (to telephone) Say, Central, can you find an 
old coon somewhere down there 

Ned. My brudder is no coon! 

Bones. Shut up! (to telephone) Down there by the 
name of— (to Ned) What is your brother's name? 

Ned. Johnson, sah! Sam Johnson! 

Bones, (to telephone) —Of Sam Johnson. 

Central Wait a minute and I'll see! (ring is heard 

Bones. Hello, Central! 

Central. Hello ! I've found him ! Here he is ! 

Sam. Here I is! Hello! 

Bones. Say, is your name Sam Johnsonr' 

Sam. Yes, sah! Dat's my name, sah! 

Bones. Well, your brother Ned is down here and wants 
you to come and sing a song for him (to Ned) What 
did you say was the name of that song? 

Ned. Why, the "Golden Slippers!" 

Bones, (to telephone) The "Golden Slippers. 

Sam All right! De "Golden Slippers"— dat s de boss 
song! ' Say, mister, tell my brudder dat I'll pack my grip 
an' coine down by de fust train! 



6 PROF, bones' latest invention. 

Bones. Well, hold on! Never mind the train — get on 
to this new invention of mine — this patent telephone, and 
you will be here in ten minutes. 

Sam. Say, mister, won't it hurt me? 

Bones. No, it won't hurt you ! 

Sam. Are you sure it won't hurt me? 

Bones. Yes, I'm sure! Come on! 

Sam. All right, den! Here I go! Whoop! 

Bones. He's started, gentleman! (listening) He's got 
to Philadelphia! 

Jeff. ) 

Ned. y (getting excited) Philadelphia! 

Julius. ) 

Bones. Fort Wayne, Indiana! 

Jeff. I 

Ned. J- Fort Wayne! He's comin', sure! 

Julius. ) 

Bones. Chicago! 

Jeff ) 

Ned. V (excited) Chicago! 

Julius. ) 

When Bones names the place the company is shoioing at, 
the dummy comes in on the wire, running by the top oj 
the head. The wire must be slanting across the stage 
so as to run behind wings; as soon as it gets behind 
wings, enter Sam, l., ivho embraces and hugs his brother. 
Others look on. 

Bones. Well, your brother has come, so sing your song 
and then get out. (exit, R. 

Sam takes off his coat and hat, places them on the floor; 
sits down at organ, plays the "Golden Slippers," the 
rest all sing and dance around — full of business. 

■ Julius. Say, fellahs, I tell yo' what we ought to hab ! 
We ought to hab a fiddle, dat's what we ought to hab! 

Jeff. No, we don't want a fiddle! We ought to hab a 
banjo — dats what we ought to hab! Say, I got a cousin 
down in Dertoit dat kin jes' pound cle stuffin' right out ob 
a banjo. 

Ned. Well, yer cousin ain't heah! 

Jeff. I'll git him! 



£BOF. BONES' LATEST INVENTION. 7 

Julius* How yo' gwine to get him? 

Jeff. Oh, by dis heah fixin' ! (points at telephone 

Julius. Oh, yes, by dis funny phone! 

Jeff. Say, shall I git him? 

Julius. Yes, git him! 

Jeff. No, I dasen't! 

Enter, BoNES, E. 

Bones, (aside) If those darkies ain't going to be the 
worst fooled darkies I ever got in with, I'll miss my guess! 

(exit, L. 

Jeff approaches telephone cautiously, feeling it all over 
and examining it very closely, 

Jeff. Hello! {to others) Say, shall I git him? 

Julius. Yes, git him! 

Jeff. I'm afraid it will bust! 

Ned. No, it won't bust* Hurry up an' git him! 

Jeff. I'll git him! (to telephone) Hello! Hello! 

Julius. Yes, git him! 

Jeff. No, I dasen't! I've forgot his name! Oh, now I 
know! I'll git him! (through telephone — loud) Hello! 
(louder) Hello! (very loud) Hello! 

At the last time, an assistant behind the scenes, throws a 
cup of flour in Jeff's face. Bones enters and laughs. 
The other darkies very much scared, stand shaking 
and trembling as the curtain drops. 

Ned, l. Julius, c. Jeff, r. 

CUBTAIN. 



NEW PLAYS 



PEIOE 15 CENTS EACH. 

Here's an afterpiece that will catch 'em! Just otLt?**- 

entitlecl, 

That Awful Carpet-Bag. 

An original farce, in three scenes, three male and three 
female characters. 



This is an ethiopian farce with an immense nigger— be 
sure and get this one, 
entitled, 

THE BEST CURE. 

A darkey servant has an imaginary illness, and the 

way he is cured will keep the aundience in 

an uproar for thirty minutes. 

A Domestic Drama with a good moral — entitled, 

GERTIE'S VINDICATION. 

In two acts. Three male and three female characters, 

JACK, THE NEGRO, IS IMMENSE! 

K4TY, THE IRISH GIRL, A GOOD CHARACTER! 

Order a copy — It will play 1 1-2 hours, and with an after- 
piece will make an enjoyable evening's 
entertainment for an audience. 



Thfs sketch is a stunner! Funny? Don't mention it! 

It will make an audience laugh more and' 

harder than any sketeh written in 

years — entitled, 

MIDNIGHT COLIC. 

A LAUGHABLE SKETCH. 

A BED-ROOM &CENE1 MUSTARD &4S TAKEN 4 $2$g* 



iimes' Plays — Continued. 



72 
19 
42 
188 
220 
148 
218 
224 
233 
154 
184 
209 
13 
66 
116 
120 
103 

50 

140 

74 

35 

47 

95 

11 

99 

82 

182 

127 

228 

106 

139 

231 

235 

69 

1 

153 

23 

203 

212 

32 

186 

44 

33 

57 

217 

165 

195 

159 

171 

ISO 

■IS 

138 

115 

55 

232 

137 

40 

38 
131 

Kil 
167 
68 
54 



FARCES CONTINUED. 

Deuce is in Him 6 

Did 1 Dream it 4 

Domestic Felicity 1 

Dutch Prize Fighter 3 

D itchy vs. Nigger 3 

Eh? What Did You Say 3 

Everybody Astonished 4 

Fooling with the Wrong Man 2 
Freezing a Moth*r-in-Law... 2 

Fun in a Post Office 4 

Family Discipline 

Goose with the Golden Eggs.. 5 

Give Me Mv Wife 3 

Hans, the Dutch J. P 3 

Hash 4 

H. M. S. Plum 1 

How Sister Paxey got her 

Child Baptiz d 2 

How She has Own Way 1 

How He Popped the Quest'n. 1 

How to Tame M-in-Law 4 

How Stout lour Getting 5 

In the Wrong Box 3 

In the Wrong Clothes 5 

John Smith 5 

Jumbo Juin 4 

Killing Time 1 

Kittle's Wedding Cake 1 

Lick Skillet Wedding 2 

Lvuderbach's Little Surprise 3 

Lodging, fur Two 3 

Matrimonial Bliss 1 

Match lor a Mother-in-Law.. 2 

More Blunders than one 4 

Mother's Fool 6 

Mr. and .Mrs. Pringle 7 

Mr. Hudson's Tiger Hunt 1 

My Heart's in Highlands 4 

y Precious Betsey 4 

My Turn Next 4 

M Wife's Relations 4 

My Day and Now-a-Days 

Obedience 1 

On the Sly 3 

Paddy Miles' Boy 5 

Paten' Washing Machine 4 

Persecuted Dutchman 6 

Poor Pilieody 2 

Quiet Family. 



Rough Diamond 4 



Ripples *. 5S 

Sch aps 1 

Sewing Circle of P. riod 

S. 11. A. M. Pinafore 3 

Somebody's Nobody 3 

Stage Struck Yankee 4 

Taking the Census 1 

Th-it Mysterious B'dle 2 

T e Bewitched Closet 5 

The Cigarette 4 

The Coining Man 3 

Turn Him Out 3 

The Sham Professor 4 

The Two T. J's 4 



NO. 

28 
142 
213 
151 
5 
56 
70 
135 
147 
155 

111 
157 



204 

15 
172 

98 
222 
214 
145 
190 

27 
230 
153 

24 

77 

88 

128 

90 

61 

234 

150 

109 

134 

177 

96 

107 

133 

17;) 

94 

25 

92 

10 

64 

122 

118 

6 

108 

4 

197 

198 

170 

216 

201) 

210 

203 

205 

156 



17 
130 



Thirty-three Next Birthday.. 

Tit for Tat 

Vermont Wool Dealer _ 

Wanted a Husband 

When Women Weep 

Wooing Under Difficulties— 

Which will he Marry 

Widower's Trials .._ 

Wakmg Him Up 

Why they Joined the Re- 
beccas „ 

Yankee Duelist 

Yankee Peddler 

ETHIOPIAN FARCES. 

Academy of Stars 

An Unhappy Pair 

Black Shoemaker 

Black Statue 

Colored Senators 

Chops „ .„„ jti 

Cuff's Luck w 

Crimps Trip 

Fetter Lane to Gravesend 

Hamlet the Dainty 

Haunted House 

Handy Andy 

Hypochondriac The 

Joe's Vis t „ 

Mischievous Nigger .. 

Musical Darkey 

No Cure No Pay 

Not as Deaf as He Seems 

Old Dad's Cabin 

OldPompey 

Other People's Children 

Pump's Pranks 

Quarrelsome Servants 

Rooms to Let 

School 

Seeing Bos ting 

Sham Doctor 

Hi.000 Years Ago 

Sport with a Sportsman 

Stage Struck Darkey 

Stocks Up, Stocks Down 

That Boy Sam 

The Select School 

The Popcorn Man ,„.,„... 

The Studio _ 

Those Awful Boys 

Twain's Dodging _... 

Tricks 

Uncle Jeff 

U. S. Mail „ 

Vice Versa 

Villkens and Dinah 

Virginia Mun my 

Who Stole th« Chickens 

William Tell 

Wig-Maker and Ilia Servants 
GUIDE BOOKS. 

Hints on Elocution 

Hints to Amateurs ^. 



4 
3 1 
7 3 





2 1 

4 2 

2 

3 1 
3 

2 1 
1 1 

3 2 



3 

5 

3 1 

3 

5 

3 1 

5 2 

5 

2 

3 

4 

6 

1 

4 

3 



rk 



CANTATA. 215 On to Victory (with chorus) 25 cents 4 6 



rfi 




LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

mi 111 nil 1 1 111 « Hi! 

016 102 721 2 



= NEW FLA is 

RECEntly IssuelIT 

250* Festival of Days. A series of Tableaux, by Ida M. Buxton, repre- 
senting the memorial days of the year. Just the thing for an evening's entertain- 
ment, as it is easily produced, requiring no scenery. Time of performance, one hour. 

251. Millie, the Quadroon; or, Out of Bondage. A drama in 5 

acts, by Lizzie M. Elwyn. 6 males, 5 females; the greatest success of the seison. 
This drama is replete with tine situations and nnlooked for developments. Mirth 
and sadness are well combined — something after the style of "Uncle Tom's Cabin,,* 
representing scenes in the South before slavery was abolished. Costumes modern. 
Time of production, 2 hours. 

252. That Awful Carpet-Bag. An original farce, in 3 scenes, by Ad 
H.Gibson. ;■! males, 3 females. Scene In a hotel; a widow and old maid, whose 
curiosity gets them into embaressing situations. Irish character immense. Time 
30 minutes. 

253. The Best Cure. An ethiopian farce in 1 act, by C. F. Ingraham. 4 
male, 1 female— exceedingly tunny farce. A darkey who was cured of imaginary ill- 
ness — the "cure" will be appreciated by all lovers of fun. Time, 30 minutes. 

254. Dot, the Miner's Daughter; or, One Glass of Wine. A 

temperance drama, in 3 acts, by Lizzie M. Elwyn, author of ''Millie, the Quadroon. 
9 males, 5 females. This is the most popular temperance play written since "Turn 
of the Tide" was published. Characters all equally good; two n-gro characters, 
Ebony and Hapzibah, which are immense, and keeps an audience in a continuous up- 
roar. Costumes, modern. Time, 1! hours. 

255. Gertie's Vindication. A domestic drama, in 2 acts, by 6 II. Pierce. 
3 males, 3 females. A thoroughly good moral play, showing file truth of the old say- 
ing, "Honesty is the best policy." .Jack, the negro, and Katy, the Irish girl, are 
both exceedingly, good and will keep an audience convulsed with laughter. Cos- 
tumes, modern. Time, one and one-half hours. 

256. Midnight Colic. A sketch in one scene, by D. BJ; Allyn. 2 males, 
1 female. A most laughable sketch that will please every one. Time of production, 
thirty minutes. 

257. Caught in the Act. Comedy in 3 acts, by Newton Chisnell. 7 
males, 3 females. This comedy is a favorite in the profession, and will take well 
withamatueis— is full of fun, dialogue is sparkling— not a dull speech from begin- 
ning to end. Time of production is about 2 hours. 

MILLIE; THE^Q.UADROON. a 

new Drama, just published from the author's 
original manuscript, it is immense, and will 
give the best of satisfaction to an audience. 
The scene is laid in the south before slavery 
was abolished. The play is very much after 
the style of Uncle Tom's Cabin. Send for 
a copy. Only 15 cents, 



MIDNIGHT COLIC. A Laughable 
Sketch in one scene. This Sketch with Millie; 
the Quadroon, will make an evening's enter- 
tainment that will please any audience, 15c. 



